


Too Much

by bitsnbobs



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Brief mentions to Aaron's childhood, Canon Compliant, Gen, Hurt, M/M, Optimism?, Support, Worries, baby talk, doubts, listening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-11 09:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11145822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitsnbobs/pseuds/bitsnbobs
Summary: 'Aaron opened his red-rimmed eyes and shrugged, exhausted, “It’s too much.”'Two conversations Aaron has about the baby. And one, much more optimistic then I expected it to become, longer conversation with Robert about it.(Chapter 2: 'It was an admission said with a devastating break in Robert’s voice and the beginning of tears in his eyes. It made Aaron forget to breathe because it hit him that this was too much for them both.)(Chapter 3: 'Robert could only agree. It wasn’t quite too much to cope with, if they stuck together.')





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey,” Harriet offered as she sat down on the bench, “You can tell me to go away but I noticed you’d been out here a while. And head in hands is never a good sign.” She smiled at him warmly and with nothing but genuine concern in her eyes. Aaron briefly wondered whether it was a look she had managed to perfect as part of the job. Then he remembered his encounter with another priest and shook his head; he didn’t want to go back there. 

He sniffed, “Just wanted to get away from it, for a bit.”

“Anything specific or just generally?” It didn’t feel like she was being nosy. In fact, she asked it in the same tone as Aaron’s counsellor; like she wanted him to open up for his own sake. Aaron stared at her for a few seconds but then he was speaking, even if he wasn’t sure he should,

“They’ve been arguing again,” he didn’t roll his eyes, it was too painful now, “Robert and…her. Them. That family.”

“I am guessing you mean Rebecca and the Whites?” She’d heard, or course she had. The whole village knew about the baby now. 

“It’s just-" Aaron faltered, he didn’t quite know how to word it, “It’s just- It shouldn’t be like this, you know?”

“Be like what?”

Aaron ran a hand down his face, “A baby should be loved before its even born. It should be wanted. And I know it can’t always be that perfect but, but, it shouldn’t cause this much anger and- and- it seems every day there is another fight.”

“Is the baby not wanted?”

That made Aaron pause. He took a breath, “She wants it and Robert is coming round to it. I want him to want it. I mean, a child should come into this world thinking it’s parents want it. It’s important.”

“Do you want it?”

And that was the question. The question that felt like a stab through Aaron’s heart. He turned away and tried to fight back tears. 

“It’s ok, Aaron,” Harriet whispered, gently, “I won’t judge.”

Aaron looked back and saw the sincerity in her eyes. He wrapped his arms across his chest and shook his head, “No,” he said quietly, “None of this is what I wanted. I- I wanted Robert’s first child to be with me. Something we planned together. When we were both ready.” He snorted, “If we ever could be,” He swiped at his eyes and stared into space, “A child that would call us both dad.”

“This child would be your step-child,” Harriet commented, “You’d be a step-dad. That is an important role too.”

“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, “I know.” He bit his lip, “I know it can work. I mean look at Paddy and Leo.” He smiled slightly but it turned to a frown, “I remember Paddy struggled though. Rhona and Marlon had chosen Leo’s name before Paddy even got to the hospital to see him but, you know, Rhona’s his mum and Marlon’s his dad so… It took Paddy a while to bond.”

“But they did,” Harriet said, “Like you said, look at them. They have a great bond.”

“Yeah,” Aaron sniffed again, his eyes darkening, “But the difference is, they all like each other. They all love each other. I can’t even bare to look at Rebecca. I think- I think- I hate her.” He faced Harriet with guilt in his eyes now, “That’s wrong, isn’t it?”

“We can’t help how we feel sometimes,” Harriet shrugged. 

“I hate how this is what she wanted; she once planned a future with Robert. She dreamed of having his kid.” Fresh tears started to fall and he swiped at them roughly, “She got what she wanted, didn’t she? And I don’t. Again.”

Harriet sighed and reached out to squeeze his elbow. It didn’t seem right to say anything. Life clearly wasn’t fair to the young man sat next to her. 

Aaron blew out a harsh breath, “A woman who has humiliated and betrayed me is now carrying a part of my husband. And she will always have that. And he will always have that with her. Because he cheated on me.” He was angry now, “And I don’t even know how he feels towards her now? He can’t hate her, can he?”

“No,” Harriet tilted her head, “I guess he can’t.”

“I wish he would,” Aaron admitted, he held himself tighter, “But then- he can’t. They can’t be having this baby and be fighting all the time. They just can’t. A kid doesn’t need that. All I remember is my mum and dad arguing. Shouting. Then mum left.” Harriet saw Aaron almost disappear to another place; disappearing into memories, “I told Paddy and Rhona’s social worker that their marriage was on the rocks when they were trying to adopt. Paddy was having an affair. I mean, you shouldn’t bring a kid into an unstable place. It doesn’t work. It only leads to blame when it goes wrong.”

“I don’t think you can be fully prepared for how a child will make you feel. How it will change everything,” Harriet stated, “Perhaps Robert and Rebecca will pull together more when it arrives?”

Aaron closed his eyes tight, “So she gets close to him. Again.”

There was only the chirping birds in the graveyard for a moment until Harriet cut through, sounding closer, “Aaron, have you talked to Robert about all of this?” He shook his head and that’s when he felt her hand that was resting as a support on his back. “You should talk to him.”

Aaron opened his red-rimmed eyes and shrugged, exhausted, “It’s too much.”

…

“Look, I know this isn’t exactly like you planned it,” Vic said, in the understatement of the year, “But, you get to be a step-dad to this kid, yeah? You get to be the fun one.”

Aaron was regretting coming into the pub. He sighed, “No, Vic. I’m pretty sure that’s your job as the auntie.”

“Yeah, and I’ll be great,” she grinned, “But, you get to-"

“Look, I really don’t want to talk about this,” he said, firmly, earning himself a frown, 

“Oh come on, Aaron,” Vic put her hands on her hips, “Don’t tell me that you won’t love Robert’s kid?”

Aaron set his pint down and walked away.

Vic found him by the benches, “I’m sorry, ok?” She gave him a nudge, “I know this isn’t easy.” She made him face her, “I know.” 

Adam. Vanessa. Johnny. 

Aaron blinked at her, “If you know, Vic, then why are you acting like it is easy? Why can’t you understand that I may not always be ok with this?”

“Because I know that is does get easier,” Vic shrugged, “You can get through this.”

“Can we?” Aaron snorted, “No offence, Vic, but I think you’ve forgotten the level of pain. Perhaps because there is going to be a new baby in your family.”

“Oh now that’s not fair,” Vic was clearly offended but Aaron didn’t care, 

“No, what is not fair, is that my husband cheated on me and is now having a baby with his ex. Rebecca isn’t Vanessa. Vanessa never actively tried to ruin your marriage. She had never slept with Adam before. There was no history of lies. There were no feelings. They’d never once promised each other a future.” Aaron stood up; stood in front of Vic and sighed at her wide-eyes, his voice softening a little, “I know it was hard for you to accept Vanessa’s baby but there was no previous connection and at least it didn’t start existing at the same time you were being tortured in prison. Because that’s where I was.”

“Robert made a mistake,” Vic argued, although it didn’t sound good enough to her own ears. 

“Yeah, he did,” Aaron nodded sadly, “And now he gets a kid.”

“It’s not the way he wanted though,” Vic pointed out immediately, “Aaron, this is never what he would have wanted. He could have lost you.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Aaron shrugged, “You remember how happy Adam was? When he thought Johnny was his? He was so proud in the hospital.”

“Yeah, and I was happy for him because I loved him,” Vic said, sincerely. 

Aaron stared down at the ground, “And I love Robert and I want him to be happy but-but-“

“But?”

“He’ll be happy about something that is shared with her. Rebecca allowed him this happiness, not me. And like, I said, Rebecca isn’t Vanessa. She is someone who Robert could have spent his life with and now he still will. In a way. And I can’t help but wonder, if it would’ve been better for him, better for the kid, if he was just with her.”

“No, no,” Vic stood up and put her hands on Aaron’s arms, “Aaron, Robert loves you. You make him happy. You do.”

“I want to believe that,” Aaron raised his head, his eyes shining, “But there is going to be a baby. Their baby. Babies change things.”

“It won’t change Robert’s feelings for you,” Vic told him, surely. Aaron shook out of her grip and pulled away. She frowned at him, “Aaron, is there something else?” He looked up sharply and narrowed his eyes, “Not that this isn’t enough, Aaron. I understand why you might feel like this, I do, even though I know Robert loves you. But…but, I can’t help but think, is there more?”

“Oh so now you start caring?” Aaron scoffed, “Not half an hour ago you were telling me I get to be a step-dad and how fun it would be.”

“Aaron-"

“No, no, ok,” Aaron threw his hands up, “Don’t tell me, you want me to burst your perfect baby bubble with the fact that I keep thinking about Gordon and Sandra and when they had Liv. And how suddenly there was this baby and I didn’t matter anymore.”

“What?” Vic blinked, both shocked and confused. 

“I know,” Aaron fought back tears, “I know it is so so different but babies do change things. I know this. A baby changed my dad again. We were doing ok. I know it wasn’t perfect now, but to me, it was at the time. It was me and him against the world. And at first, Sandra was great too but then- then they had the baby and I- I- I wasn’t good enough anymore.” He couldn't hold it together any longer and the dam broke, Vic launching forward to wrap him a tight hug.

“Aaron, you need to talk to Robert about this,” Vic whispered against his shoulder, the hug loosening. 

“It’s too much,” Aaron whispered back.

 

…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The people spoke. And they spoke so nicely. So here it is: the first half of a conversation with Robert :-)
> 
> And may I say I was nervous about writing this but through writing this, I think I have sort of made some peace with the baby thing. I mean, obviously, I'd be ultimately delighted if they dropped Robert being the father but...well, just read. lol.

Aaron nervously watched Robert move around the kitchen. His husband had just got in from work and was doing his usual routine of faffing with his expensive coffee maker while opening his post. 

“Do you want one?” Robert asked, turning to him and pointing at a cup. 

“Robert, we need to talk.” Aaron never intended to come out with it so bluntly but the anxiety was becoming unbearable. He could tell by the way Robert’s arm dropped that he’d immediately put a sense of dread into his husband. He tried to offer him a smile to take the edge off, “It’s nothing bad. Well, not really.”

Robert stared at him a few seconds before abandoning his tasks and seating himself next to Aaron at the table, “Aaron,” he closed his eyes and then opened them. It seemed to Aaron that he’d just opened up a special place for him as he said, “I’m listening, ok?”

Aaron swallowed. He ducked his head, almost feeling awful for talking to anyone else first; Robert was his husband, of course he’d listen. “You should know that I talked to Harriet and Vic first. About this.” He hated the brief hurt that passed over Robert’s face but the older man recovered quickly,

“As long as you are talking,” he smiled softly, “That is important.”

Aaron’s counsellor had said that. Aaron bit his lip and began, 

“I- erm – It’s all got a bit too much,” he looked back up again and shrugged, “The baby.” It was Robert’s turn to look down. Aaron didn’t miss the pain in his eyes though. He sighed, “I have to talk about it, Robert. We have to talk about it.”

Robert nodded, his eyes finding Aaron again, filled with sadness and regret, “I know.”

“I want you to want it,” Aaron admitted, sounding much more confident about his words than he felt, “A child should have parents that want and love it. We both know the consequences if it doesn’t.”

Robert flinched and looked away, “Aaron- I- none of this is what I wanted.”

“It’s what it is now though,” Aaron pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest, “This baby is coming whether we want it to or not.”

“I told you that I wouldn’t have anything to do with it,” Robert said, turning back with an almost hopeful tone. 

Aaron shook his head, “And I’ve just told you that I want you to want it,” he pointed out, “And don’t tell me that there isn’t at least a part of you that wants this child. Your child.”

“I don’t want it with her,” Robert’s tone was dark, darker than even he expected. Aaron narrowed his eyes at his husband as Robert shifted awkwardly in his seat, “I don’t want her to be the mother of my first child.”

It was an admission said with a devastating break in Robert’s voice and the beginning of tears in his eyes. It made Aaron forget to breathe because it hit him that this was too much for them both. 

“I will always be mixed with Rebecca now,” Robert continued, “She will always have a piece of me that I don’t want her to have,” he ran a hand down his face, “Because I made a stupid, horrible mistake. I will have a child because I wanted to hurt my husband.”

Aaron closed his eyes. Tried to take it all in, “You have to let that go, Robert. I forgave you.”

“It’s not exactly easy to forget though when there is a constant reminder.”

That was the truth. After all, it was part of the reason for having this conversation. Aaron thought back to what he said to Harriet, opening his eyes again, “How do you feel about Rebecca?”

Robert was offended by what he thought the question meant, “Aaron, please tell me you don’t think- after all I’ve said?”

Aaron felt a weird kind of pleasure in seeing how appalled Robert was, but that presented him with another reason for his question, “You can’t hate her, Robert.”

Robert frowned, “I thought-"

“I know what you thought,” Aaron sniffed, “But and as much as I hate it, you can’t hate her. She will be the mother of your child. You have to start finding some middle ground.”

“How?” Robert scoffed, “That whole family hates me.”

“It has to stop at some point,” Aaron started to feel a tightness in his chest, “A child can’t be brought into an unstable environment. It just can’t.” His voice was barely a whisper at the end. Robert, sensing Aaron was struggling, reached across and took his hand. Aaron smiled gratefully and then took a breath, “I went behind Paddy’s back. When I knew he was having an affair and he and Rhona were trying to adopt. I told the social worker that their marriage was in trouble because a child shouldn’t end up in the middle of that. When my mum left, my dad blamed me and- and-" Robert squeezed his hand. He knew. Aaron didn’t need to say the worst, “As much as you hate this, for the baby, all the fighting needs to stop.”

Robert looked down at their joined hands, “Is this what’s been worrying you?”

“Some of it, yeah,” Aaron confirmed, “I can’t see a child going through that.” The next words that came out his mouth were a new feeling, “And we- erm- we have to protect that part of you, right?” That made Robert pause. His eyes-widening in disbelief. Aaron swiped a hand over his eyes, “I just don’t want a kid’s life messing up and I think I’ve realised that if she is going to have a part of you then we are going to make damn sure, she isn’t going to ruin it.”

“We?” 

Robert picking up on that word made Aaron’s face fall. 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more bit to come where they tackle his worries with Vic. But yeah, bit of fighting talk from Aaron, eh? Rebecca and the White's won't screw up this part of his husband!


	3. Chapter 3

“I said, I would stand by you,” Aaron whispered, sadly. 

Robert was confused, “I know, but-"

“Do you not want me to?”

That questioned shocked Robert and he stumbled, “What? No-no- I mean, yes-"

“It’s ok, Robert, I get it,” Aaron’s arms found themselves clutching tightly around his middle again and Robert could tell he was barely holding it together. 

He leant forward, speaking clearly this time, “Aaron, of course I want you to stand by me, I just don’t quite understand how you can after everything? How you can still want to stick with me? But, if you are sure then, I want you with me. I always will.”

Aaron stared at him with an almost childlike expression of hope before he burst into tears. Robert was instantly there to hold him, sooth him, as Aaron let out a string of apologises against his neck. 

“Hey, hey, it’s ok,” Robert said softly, “Don’t apologise.”

It was a good few minutes until Aaron felt ready to explain. They’d broken apart, Robert had gotten him a glass of water and now they were positioned opposite each other on the comfier chairs, in the living room. 

“I worry,” Aaron took a breath, “I worry about being shut out. Because of the baby.” Robert opened his mouth to say something but shut it when Aaron squeezed his hand, “Please let me- Let me get through this. Babies change things. And we can’t predict how but all I know is that the last time a baby came into my life, everything went wrong.”

Robert tilted his head as though he was trying to figure it out. Aaron wasn’t giving him a look that said he should, but something, somewhere, in the back of his mind took him to the living room, surrounded by toys, and a conversation he’d never forget, “They had your sister,” he whispered, “Liv?”

Aaron nodded, lip wobbling, “My dad changed again, Robert. For the worse. And Sandra- I- I don’t think she ever really cared about me after that. I didn’t matter.”

“Oh Aaron,” Robert tugged him in by the hands, into another tight hug. 

“I know it’s different,” Aaron said, pulling away, “I know that, but I’m not anything to this baby without you. It’s already easier for me to be cast aside.”

“I could never cast you aside,” Robert stated, meaning his words with every fibre of his being. He gently rubbed away some of his husband’s tears, “You mean the world to me.”

“Your child should mean the world to you too,” Aaron pointed out, quietly.

Robert nodded, thinking about the best way to respond. After a while, he smiled, “So I guess… we share the love? We show this kid what families are supposed to do. What do you reckon, step-dad?” 

Aaron smiled back, if a little tentative, but then something occurred to him and he became more certain, “I love Paddy more than I ever did my real dad.”

Robert eyes shone with understanding, “Sarah wasn’t my real mum.”

“I know it can work,” Aaron sniffed and then he ducked his head as if embarrassed by his thoughts that it wouldn't. 

“You know, Rebecca may not always be single,” Robert mused, making Aaron look up again with a frown, “Someday there maybe another man. Another parental figure in the child’s life. One we won’t have much of a say in.”

Aaron narrowed his eyes, he’d never even considered that, “We’d make sure he was alright though. She can’t be picking any randomer.” 

“Knowing her, she probably would,” Robert scoffed, “Some ex-DJ from Ibiza who is used to ‘living it large’ or whatever.”

Aaron grimaced, “Urgh. This guy will have to be seriously vetted. I’m not coming home to rave music playing at full blast.” Already doing the parental thing of forgetting that's how he spent his own teenage years.

Robert pulled a face, but then he suddenly laughed in disbelief, “Are we really doing this?”

That made Aaron grow serious again. However, he was pleased to feel less heaviness in his heart. He sat up a little straighter and smiled at his husband, “I think we are,” he said.

“It’s not going to be easy, is it?” Robert almost winced.

Aaron shuck his head, “No, no it’s not,” He gestured between them both, “But if we keep doing this. Talking. I think it will get easier.”

Robert could only agree. It wasn’t quite too much to cope with, if they stuck together. 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it be. 
> 
> I never honestly thought anyone would read this because, you know, BABY! but you did and your feedback has been so lovely :-) thank you. This fandom is, as ever, pretty damn ace.

**Author's Note:**

> I said I was going to be writing happy stuff but I've had a rubbish couple of days and this came out. Shrug. 
> 
> However, the feedback on my last fic was amazing and you guys helped put a smile on my face- so thanks. I will give you fluff in return at some point. lol.


End file.
